Chances Are...

'Time is relative to where you are, what you do, and who you are waiting for.'

Apparently, this is a Spanish proverb, but I couldn't find the original saying. It's true though.

Who would have thought that Budapest would be the perfect half-way between Brazil and Romania? And who would have thought that 4 and a half years can mean absolutely nothing when faced with one's most ardent desire?

I've said to myself a lot over the years that he's the love of my life. The one I couldn't forget, no matter what, the one I couldn't hate, no matter what, the one I would take back in a heartbeat, no matter what. Sometimes, I believed it with my whole being, so much that I avoided talking to him, because it was confusing and it hurt, badly. Other times, I thought I was lying to myself and I was just saying it because I got so used to it, that it became part of my drunken vocabulary. 

So when he told me he's coming to Europe, I went through a "I want to see him but I'm not sure I want to see him" phase. I went from the initial butterflies and utter excitement to not caring, and a million other emotions in between, in just a couple of days. And finally decided on meeting him in Budapest, neutral territory, a city neither of us had seen before, the perfect excuse for two old friends to spend some time together.

This could have gone from disaster to paradise. It was closer to the latter. Not perfect, but perfection would have been hard to achieve after more than four years of not seeing each other. It was different than expected, better, given that my expectations were somewhat low. Not awkward, and quite natural. As if we just picked up where we left off and the last years never existed.

So did it answer the questions I had in the last years? It did. I am in love with him, still. He is the love of my life and whatever I might have felt for others doesn't even compare to this. But we're still continents apart. We still have our own lives, imperfect as they are. So beating myself over this is useless, time-consuming and nerve-racking.

I'm happy with how things went, and how things are. And if the timing will ever be right, we'll know it. I've grown up and I know now I have to go on with my life, remembering the good times, forgetting the sad moments, and going on smiling. Because life is great. And I trust my destiny is to be in the place I want to be, eventually.

Chances are I'll see you somewhere in my dreams tonight

You'll be smiling like the night we met

Chances are I'll hold you and I'll offer all I have

You're the only one I can't forget

Baby you're the best I've ever met

Vonda Shepard & Robert Downey, Jr - Chances Are

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