10 Things I Hate About...Me

I hate myself for remembering things I thought I'd forgotten. Persons I thought I'd forgotten. Conversations. Afternoons. Even the never-ending sad moments.

I hate myself for wishing that things were different. That things were the same as they were some time ago. That I were in peace. I hate myself for wishing not to feel. For wishing not to love. For wishing to live in that sweet indifference I used to, when it was easier not to care, when I was so sure about my future.

I hate regretting the things I did. I hate missing the times when I had only dreamt about going away. I hate thinking to start hating Spain. Do I make any sense? Guess not...

The sun is shinning and I'm stuck at work. Maybe that's the reason for my melancholic state of mind. I hate the air conditioning that makes me not being able to breathe normally. And I'm wondering how much time do we have left and who will be the first one to give up the fight for this incredibly beautiful dream.

Happy Easter Everybody!

Hi everyone!

Yeah, I know, I've been neglecting this page for quite a long time, just visiting it to see what some of my friends have been posting. So, this is what work's like...no time for anything else, especially no time for internet, although I have unlimited access at work (well, except the messenger), so that's why I haven't been online so much as you (and I) were used to...

It's been a rough couple of weeks... the first days of real work were hard, for not really knowing what to do, and I admit I have made mistakes, but I guess every beginning is like that, and the most important thing is to learn from them. Plus, there were some "troubles in paradise", asked myself a lot of questions, acted like crazy, had doubts... I hate myself for being so insecure and not being patient... but after all I am known for not being a patient person... So, the point is I'm getting scared of losing him, so I decided to change the way I'm acting, because it's not doing anybody any good and we're both hurting. I have been meditating and reaching a conclusion, a very "philosophic" one (don't laugh, it's true): good things are hard to get, they need a lot of work and patience, while bad things come with one single mistake, and sometimes even when you don't do anything... so I decided to fight for it, mostly fight with myself, my questions and my need for things to happen fast, fight time and distance.

And going to a more cheerful subject: I would like to thank my co-workers, especially Anamaria, for a very nice Easter. It would have been very depressing, since it was the second Easter in a row when I wasn't at home with my family, but I had a very pleasant time with Ana's family yesterday Image. Oh, and I'm really sorry for not sending any Happy Easter mails this year, I usually don't do that, but I was really lazy this weekend and didn't feel like doing all that effort of finding something original to write...

I will end up with a quote from one of my favorite new-found "poets", I like to call him this way, Renato Russo:

"Quem que já sofreu por amor? Eu sempre faço essa pergunta porque eu não acredito nisso. Eu acho que se o amor é verdadeiro, não existe sofrimento." (Who has already suffered from love? I always ask this, because I don't believe in it. I think that, if love is true, there is no suffering.) (Legião Urbana's "As quatro estações ao vivo" concert, in São Paulo).

PICTURE© 2006 moonlight

Feedback after Week 1

I don't really feel like writing today... I'm a bit tired, I spent my afternoon playing basketball, actually it was fun and very good, since I haven't been doing any sports since... I don't even remember.

I was kind of depressed this weekend...the thing is now I'm all day at work, and I cannot spend so much time online as I used to. So it kind of sucks not being able to talk to Ric as much as I would want to... I'm starting to hate the distance, this job I got, cause it keeps me away from him, I'm starting to feel like I don't have any options anymore, like I'm wasting time doing something I don't want to, and I need to be sure that I'm not doing it for nothing... I know I'm being really hard on him and maybe thinking it's his fault that I'm abandoning all my dreams for now just to be with him... I don't know. But 2 years ago I gave up love to follow my career dreams and go to Spain... now maybe it's time to just follow my heart, I just hope not to regret it later.

As for the job, I won't say I hate it... I don't. I like what I will do after training is over, I like the people there, I like the benefits I'll have working there... but it's not what I want to do and I just hope that after this year is over I will be able to find something I really like.

Well, this is kind of it. For the one who might be happy I'm not really feeling confident about my future with Ric, don't be... It's just a phase, it will pass, I'll just have to get used to not talking to him as much as I did until now and it will all be ok.

Last Day of Freedom...

So ok... it's not the perfect job, but I have found it. And since the perfect job wouldn't be less then ambassador, I think for now it's fine. I mean, I have been looking for like three weeks, so it's been a very pleasant surprise when I went to the interview on Friday and they made me the offer the same day. The best thing is I am going to speak a lot of Spanish and I guess my luck was they were looking for someone to speak Spanish.

So, on Monday I start working. Well, not really working, since the first two weeks are training, but still... And now I can make plans for Brazil... I wouldn't have signed the contract if the pay wouldn't be so good, because now I have the possibility to save some money and not wait for my father to give it to me. Plus, they told me I will have vacations, so I can leave without having to resign... So i guess I was kind of lucky.

And you know how they say, you're never satisfied? Well, now the next step is taking the DELE exam, which is the Spanish equivalent for the Cambridge certificate, so I'll have to start studying and see if I can do it in May, or if not in November. I mean, I really have to do this if I am planning to return to Spain for my master, and that's another thing on my list.

As for the job, I promise to keep you posted. See ya!

:D:D:D

Best party last night!!! really, thank you, chicas, I really really had fun!!! I'm sorry I couldn't do it at home and with more people, but it was fun and I hope the girls felt it too. We went to Salsa, of course, what else could we have done, since all we do is remembering Spain?? it's the best way to do it, since the music is great, the DJ's from Cuba and has a sexy sexy accent and the bartender is Mexican. By the way, last night he was cute enough to give us free tequilas!

So we danced our hearts out and did soooo many pictures, I'll attach them to the photo section. Some cute guys in the club last night, but no one special enough to make me forget about my baby, I guess the only thing I would have needed so my night would have been really great would have been the presence of Ric, I missed him last night... but found him online when I got back home, at 5:30 AM, so it was ok. I have a new toy, it's blue and funny, don't say what it is, it may shock the prudes.

And I am happy to have met Adina today, since she couldn't come yesterday, happy that the sun is shinning and it's finally getting warmer, happy for a lot of other things. Thanks to Cali and Maria for being there last night!

"Y yo estoy aquí, borracho y loco, y mi corazón idiota siempre brillará... y yo te amaré, te amaré por siempre..."

PICTURE© 2006 moonlight

Entry for March 23, 2006

Everybody seems to be busy on Saturday...this kind of sucks, I really really wanted a party, it would have made me feel better, since I'm always depressed on my birthday...

But hopefully at least Cali and Maria will be here, and maybe we'll go dancing somewhere (Salsa!!!), to get our minds off finding a job, school and boyfriends in the most weird countries, far away from us... again the three of us, just like in Coruña last year...well, actually last year for my birthday I was in Lugo with Maria, it was really fun, wasn't it? And then had cookies and hot wine with the sweet sweet neighbors (miss them all). But I did have a surprise-party a week later really kool!

So at least I will see Adina on Sunday, probably go eat junk food, my guess is MacDonald's, since we're kind of scared to go to KFC, with the chicken-flu and all... but more about that after it actually happens, I hope things don't get even more screwed up...

And please, someone out there hear me out!!! I'm sick and tired of going to interviews, my father wants me back in Piatra, so I really need to find a job SOON!!!

PHOTO BY MARIA

St. Patricks? For Me It's the Day I Started to Live...

17th of March 2005. It was a Thursday. Maria had asked us to go to Studio 80, some of the guys were working there that night. It was a variation of our every-Thursday schedule, at least about the club we went, although later on we did go to Geographic.

We went there with the Italians - Giu, Francesco, Antonio. I was pretty bored and had been really disappointed for some time. He came there too. Besides the Italians, he didn't know anyone else, he had just arrived to Coruña. He says I flirted. I still say the only reason I gave him so much attention that night is that he was new there.

We went to the beach after leaving Geographic. He asked for my phone number. We met for coffee the next day. He tried to kiss me and I remember being really amused, because I wasn't interested in a relationship, so I didn't let him.

Then we went out again. We walked a lot that evening, he was asking me all those questions about Romania, so I thought he was really interested. I said to myself: what the hell, a kiss won't hurt anyone. That until he did it. It was the best one I've had in my entire life, no one kissed me like that before. And that was the moment everything else faded...I didn't care anymore if it was the right thing to do, because it was so perfect.

And it was. Really perfect. I remember the day he started to brig stuff to my apartment...his pajama, his slippers...at first I thought it was annoying, but after a few days I started to think it was kind of sweet. And then I fell in love, just when I was fighting not to. And we went to Porto, to Santiago, to Madrid...had fun, danced, loved each other for 3 magnificent months.

I still can't believe it's been a year. And although we are at such a distance from each other, on different continents, although we don't see each other, I am happy.

I may be a witch and some people might hate me, but I don't care. The only opinion that matters is that of the people I love, respect and admire. My father liked him, which is incredible. And Cati told me when I returned from Spain that you could see on my face I was truly happy. Sometimes I get scared or depressed because of the distance...but after talking to him all fear disappears. He's not the person to use big words or tell me he loves me every 5 seconds, but I don't need him to. He knows how to show it, and this is the only thing that matters. And with him I have found peace, security and love. Everything I have ever asked for.

PHOTO BY MARIA

8 Martie

"Tu eşti ca o albină/ Eşti ca o muzică lină,/ Eşti floarea dimineţii,/ Eşti primăvara vieţii,/ Mamă..." prin clasa a patra eram când scriam chestia asta... ţin minte că i-am scris-o mamei pe o felicitare de 8 martie şi i-a plăcut atât de mult, că după aia i-am tot repetat-o an dupa an... probabil că se plictisise şi ea, dar era un fel de ritual de 8 martie.

"You're like a bee/ Like a soft music,/ You're the flower of the morning,/ You're the spring of life,/ Mother..." I was in the 4th grade when I wrote that... I remember putting it in a card for my mother, on the 8th of March, and she liked it so much that I used to write the same thing year after year... she was probably bored of it, but it was kind of a Women's Day ritual.

My mother used to say to me: never get married if you are not in love. Don't get married with the first guy you have sex with, you might end up regretting it. Don't accept it when a man disappoints you, you'll get used to it and end up old, bitter and sad. If a guy tries to change you in any way, don't let him, because if you change, he will leave you, for you will not be the same woman he fell in love with in the first place.

Have your own career, so that you don't depend on a man. Make him say "I love you", not every day, but as often as you need to feel good about yourself. Never accept a man who doesn't make you feel you are the most special woman in the world. Don't live in the same house with his parents. Don't marry a man who doesn't respect his mother.

Remember always to do things for your own pleasure, spend time with YOUR friends, have your own opinions and don't borrow his, surround yourself with feminine things, don't let him make fun about you watching romantic movies, never accept him getting drunk in your presence. Be sweet, tender, feminine. Wear make-up and beautiful clothes not for him, but for you. Wake up in the morning with a smile on your face.

If he cheats, leave him. If he lies, leave him. If he disappoints you constantly, leave him. If he hits you only once, leave him. If the sex sucks, leave him. And if you have children, remember they are more important then any man.

Happy Women's Day! Remember that we are ALL beautiful and we have the power to change the world. We can do anything we want, no matter what men say. We should ask for their respect, because they wouldn't be on this Earth without us.

Entry for March 06, 2006

Oki...home... totally bored, but my father was so sweet last night that I just couldn't tell him I want to go back to Bucharest as soon as possible. It's snowing. It reminds me of Christmas.

During the weekend, dad's birthday. Durău, snow!!! super, 2 days when I thought I would get bored, but it was kind of cool. I slept there for the first time since it's all done,I still cannot believe that everything is in order and I can go there anytime to stay at our house!

Dad got me yellow roses. Beautiful! I had forgotten that every 1st of March he buys me flowers. I was never a fan of white flowers, I think they have no life, funeral flowers. But dad never got me white flowers .

Last night discussion about my future...pretty weird, especially when my brother started to say his opinion. But we didn't get to any conclusion, or maybe just to that that it's useless to pay right now 3000 euros to some lawyer just to do an internship when I don't even want to be a lawyer. It would be a stupid investment. I'd rather leave to do a master somewhere. But I don't think it will be this summer...

Until then I'll see what I'll do. Maybe go back to Bucharest. I'm getting crazy without the internet. Maybe I'll find something there...I'm not in the mood to stay here that long. Wish me luck!

De Dragobete...pentru tine voi fi.../For You I Will Be.../Para tí seré

Voi fi ploaie pe chipu-ţi, lumina din adâncuri,

culeasă dintre valuri la ceasul calm al serii;

pe rând voi fi: mireasa din alba nea a lunii

şi steaua ce din ceaţă se naşte dimineaţa.

Voi fi a mării scoică ce-al mării glas îl poartă

şi recile-mi picioare iţi vor urma chemarea

prin gropile durerii, căci eu îmi duc destinul

spre orizontul palid în care tu te pierzi.

Voi fi a ta iubită în noaptea dintre evuri,

când lumea se va stinge, iar tu vei amuţi,

voi alunga cuvântul, dar îţi voi dărui

o clipă cât tot timpul, o lume-ntr-un sărut.

©2005 moonlight

I’ll be the rain on your face, the light in the depths

gathered from the waves at the calm hour of the evening;

I’ll be by turns: the bride from the white snow of the moon

and the star that was born from the mist in the morning.

I’ll be the seashell that carries the ocean’s voice

and my cold feet will follow your calling

through the holes of pain, for I will take my destiny

into the pale horizon where you disappear.

I’ll be your lover in the night between the ages,

when the world will fade, and you will become silent,

I shall banish the words, but I shall give you

a moment that will last forever, a world in a kiss.

©2005 moonlight

Seré lluvia sobre tu rostro, la luz de las profundidades

recogida de entre olas al tranquilo anochecer;

por turno seré: la novia nacida de la nieve blanca de la luna

y la estrella que aparece de la niebla las mañanas.

Seré la concha del mar que la voz del mar lleva consigo

y mis piernas frías seguirán tu cálida llamada

por los hoyos del dolor, pues yo busco mi destino

hacía el lejano horizonte donde tú te pierdes.

Seré tu amante en la noche eterna de invierno,

cuando el mundo se apagará, y tú te quedarás callado,

ahuyentaré las palabras, pero te regalaré

un instante de un siglo, un mundo entero en un beso.

©2005 moonlight

PHOTO BY ONE OF MY FRIENDS