10 Things I Hate About...Me

I hate myself for remembering things I thought I'd forgotten. Persons I thought I'd forgotten. Conversations. Afternoons. Even the never-ending sad moments.

I hate myself for wishing that things were different. That things were the same as they were some time ago. That I were in peace. I hate myself for wishing not to feel. For wishing not to love. For wishing to live in that sweet indifference I used to, when it was easier not to care, when I was so sure about my future.

I hate regretting the things I did. I hate missing the times when I had only dreamt about going away. I hate thinking to start hating Spain. Do I make any sense? Guess not...

The sun is shinning and I'm stuck at work. Maybe that's the reason for my melancholic state of mind. I hate the air conditioning that makes me not being able to breathe normally. And I'm wondering how much time do we have left and who will be the first one to give up the fight for this incredibly beautiful dream.

Happy Easter Everybody!

Hi everyone!

Yeah, I know, I've been neglecting this page for quite a long time, just visiting it to see what some of my friends have been posting. So, this is what work's like...no time for anything else, especially no time for internet, although I have unlimited access at work (well, except the messenger), so that's why I haven't been online so much as you (and I) were used to...

It's been a rough couple of weeks... the first days of real work were hard, for not really knowing what to do, and I admit I have made mistakes, but I guess every beginning is like that, and the most important thing is to learn from them. Plus, there were some "troubles in paradise", asked myself a lot of questions, acted like crazy, had doubts... I hate myself for being so insecure and not being patient... but after all I am known for not being a patient person... So, the point is I'm getting scared of losing him, so I decided to change the way I'm acting, because it's not doing anybody any good and we're both hurting. I have been meditating and reaching a conclusion, a very "philosophic" one (don't laugh, it's true): good things are hard to get, they need a lot of work and patience, while bad things come with one single mistake, and sometimes even when you don't do anything... so I decided to fight for it, mostly fight with myself, my questions and my need for things to happen fast, fight time and distance.

And going to a more cheerful subject: I would like to thank my co-workers, especially Anamaria, for a very nice Easter. It would have been very depressing, since it was the second Easter in a row when I wasn't at home with my family, but I had a very pleasant time with Ana's family yesterday Image. Oh, and I'm really sorry for not sending any Happy Easter mails this year, I usually don't do that, but I was really lazy this weekend and didn't feel like doing all that effort of finding something original to write...

I will end up with a quote from one of my favorite new-found "poets", I like to call him this way, Renato Russo:

"Quem que já sofreu por amor? Eu sempre faço essa pergunta porque eu não acredito nisso. Eu acho que se o amor é verdadeiro, não existe sofrimento." (Who has already suffered from love? I always ask this, because I don't believe in it. I think that, if love is true, there is no suffering.) (Legião Urbana's "As quatro estações ao vivo" concert, in São Paulo).

PICTURE© 2006 moonlight

Feedback after Week 1

I don't really feel like writing today... I'm a bit tired, I spent my afternoon playing basketball, actually it was fun and very good, since I haven't been doing any sports since... I don't even remember.

I was kind of depressed this weekend...the thing is now I'm all day at work, and I cannot spend so much time online as I used to. So it kind of sucks not being able to talk to Ric as much as I would want to... I'm starting to hate the distance, this job I got, cause it keeps me away from him, I'm starting to feel like I don't have any options anymore, like I'm wasting time doing something I don't want to, and I need to be sure that I'm not doing it for nothing... I know I'm being really hard on him and maybe thinking it's his fault that I'm abandoning all my dreams for now just to be with him... I don't know. But 2 years ago I gave up love to follow my career dreams and go to Spain... now maybe it's time to just follow my heart, I just hope not to regret it later.

As for the job, I won't say I hate it... I don't. I like what I will do after training is over, I like the people there, I like the benefits I'll have working there... but it's not what I want to do and I just hope that after this year is over I will be able to find something I really like.

Well, this is kind of it. For the one who might be happy I'm not really feeling confident about my future with Ric, don't be... It's just a phase, it will pass, I'll just have to get used to not talking to him as much as I did until now and it will all be ok.

Last Day of Freedom...

So ok... it's not the perfect job, but I have found it. And since the perfect job wouldn't be less then ambassador, I think for now it's fine. I mean, I have been looking for like three weeks, so it's been a very pleasant surprise when I went to the interview on Friday and they made me the offer the same day. The best thing is I am going to speak a lot of Spanish and I guess my luck was they were looking for someone to speak Spanish.

So, on Monday I start working. Well, not really working, since the first two weeks are training, but still... And now I can make plans for Brazil... I wouldn't have signed the contract if the pay wouldn't be so good, because now I have the possibility to save some money and not wait for my father to give it to me. Plus, they told me I will have vacations, so I can leave without having to resign... So i guess I was kind of lucky.

And you know how they say, you're never satisfied? Well, now the next step is taking the DELE exam, which is the Spanish equivalent for the Cambridge certificate, so I'll have to start studying and see if I can do it in May, or if not in November. I mean, I really have to do this if I am planning to return to Spain for my master, and that's another thing on my list.

As for the job, I promise to keep you posted. See ya!